Sir Goober’s Guide to Seduction In the Age of Zoom

Sir Goober von Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften, Contributing Writer

Dear Sir Goober von Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften

I need love advice. There’s this girl I really like, but I don’t know how to start talking to her because I’m fully virtual and it’s awkward. I thought maybe I would ask her out for JF or something but I think it’s canceled. Usually, in class, you can kind of start the conversation, like offer them gum or something. But how am I supposed to start talking to her if I’m only on Zoom? Any advice would be appreciated. 

From, 

Your slightly desperate friend 

Dear anonymous friend, 

This is a great question! I have several suggestions. I happen to know EXACTLY what a girl likes! 

 

Phase 1 — Mirroring: Do what she does. She will love to see that you two have so much in common! Start off simple. Take note of the things she does during class. Then start mirroring her actions — if she scratches her head, scratch your head. If she blinks, you blink. Hopefully, she’ll notice that you’ve started mirroring her actions. Once she notices she’s bound to either a) mention you to her friends or b) even better, talk to you about it. This is bound to spark an animated conversation! Wait until you hear from her or through the grapevine that she’s gotten the message before moving onto phase two.

 

Phase 2 — Show her how you feel: Now, ultimately, you want her to know that you’re interested in her. So you need to show her what type of person you are. Smile. Smile big. Show your molars. All the time. While you smile, make sure to stare directly into the camera. Even if we can’t be in-person, try to simulate the classic eyes-meet-across-the-room trope by looking into the camera. This way, any time she looks at your little box it will seem like you’re making eye contact. So cute! Look away and break your eye contact or your smile and she’ll think that you’re not interested!

(Note: blinking is also a great way to send a message. Click here to learn how to say “ur cute” in morse code.)

 

Phase 3 — Include her: Make sure she feels involved in the discussion. Every couple of minutes tell the teacher she has something to say, so that her voice never goes unheard. There’s nothing sexier than a guy who speaks up for you! You want her to feel important! If you’re in a breakout room, make sure nobody speaks before she does. Mute people, cut off their wifi. Whatever needs to happen. 

 

Finding love over Zoom can be tricky, but follow these phases and she is sure to get the message. You got the ball rolling, so move out of the waiting room and into her breakout room! Write us back if you need tips for the first date!

 

From,

Sir Goober von Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften

 

Email your questions to [email protected]! I can’t wait to help all my Goobies out! 

(Editor’s note: If you would like to try your own hand at giving some advice, you should email [email protected])