Hey everyone! Philbert von Bunglio here with a plethora of advice to give you! Check out my answers to some of your questions from homecoming below; I promise you’re problems will be solved with me, xoxo.

Anonymous: What’s the best way to ask someone out on a date?

Dear Anonymous,

Hmm, what a pickle. Unfortunately asking someone out is a skill I’ve never had to gain as I’m always the one being asked out, so I can only give you advice coming from the receiving end of this situation. Nonetheless I hope you use my words wisely and heed my advice blindly.

These are some of my favorite ways I’ve been asked out in the past:

1. A large sum of money in the form of a bouquet
   1. I ended up taking the money and buying myself a new nose and then immediately cutting off communication with the suitor as I cannot and will not be bought. I truly enjoyed the money while it lasted though.
2. Hiring Beyoncé for the night for a personal concert
   1. Again LOVED it, but wasn’t necessarily interested in the suitor, so I got up on stage with Queen Bey and sang “Single Ladies” all night long. One of my favorite memories <3
3. Flying to Paris for the night
   1. The thought was nice, but I mean… come on. It’s about a seven hour flight, and we only got to spend two hours at the restaurant. It felt like a rushed job, and I ended up jetting home alone and leaving the suitor to fend for themself.

All things considered, the best thing to do is be yourself. Ask your crush out in a way that’s comfortable for you. Remember, the worst thing they can do is say no! Or maybe they could leave you in a foreign country with no money, a dead phone, and no chance of a second date… let’s hope not, xoxo.

Anonymous: Should I text my ex? (I want to)

Dear Anonymous,

What a positively preposterous question! Should you text your ex?!? Absolutely not. Coming from someone who’s broken up with many people, and been broken up with once or twice, a text from an ex NEVER impresses. In fact, I normally get a good laugh from them as I read them aloud to my new partner who I have already moved on to. So no, if you want your dignity then you need to not want your ex.

However, my sweet, naïve Anonymous, what you DO need to do is take a deep look within yourself. Ask yourself “Why do I want to text my ex?” Is there an inner self loathing that craves the satisfaction of humiliation served in the form of rejection from someone no longer relevant in your life? Is there a tinge of masochism in you, within your sick and twisted soul? God, I hope not, because if so then you are far beyond help. 

All in all, I’m sure you can now see that you absolutely cannot, by any means, reach out to your ex. If it’s not your ego you worry about hurting in the process, at least think about what that would do to your reputation. It is time for you to put the “ex” in “next” and the “over” in “lover”. They are an ex for a reason! You are strong. Focus on  yourself this month and always  remember, “X’s don’t change” – Ms. Bassani xoxo

Anonymous: I wanna be famous. 

Dear Anonymous,

What a sad life you must lead. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my limits here, but why ail yourself with such a toxic dream. Do you even know the burdens that come with the lavish lifestyle you claim to desire? I’m positive you don’t, otherwise you never would’ve posed this query.

Here is what I will do for you, Anonymous, if you are so sure that it is fame you need to make your life meaningful, then fame I shall give you. Or, rather, it is fame I shall show you how to achieve. 

1. Run away from home
   1. There are two outcomes that could transpire from this:
      1. You leave all your current material possessions to start anew. You make a new name for yourself, and go out in the streets in hopes of being discovered. Eventually, you will either catch the eye of the right person, and find yourself acting as the main character’s younger self in a flashback scene of an indie short film that will have moderate publicity, nothing amazing, but just enough to make you look for more for the following 20 years. Or you will have run away for nothing. You will be forced to live the rest of your life couch surfing on friends’ futons, until one year they all come together to pose an intervention. They will encourage you to go back to your parents, to let go of your dream that drove you to homelessness. You will oblige, and you will try to mend your relationship with your parents. However, upon walking up their steps you will notice a light on in your old room. Had they never forgotten about you? Do they still visit your room when they miss you? The answer, you soon find out, is no. They replaced you. With a ferret. Your room is now filled with cages, and your parents don’t have anywhere for you to stay. So, you pretend to leave, but when they’re not looking, sneak down to the basement, where you will live out the rest of your life secretly. Sneaking upstairs in the middle of the night for food and water, never interacting with another human again.
      2. You get found in a matter of hours, and the news picks up your story. “Local Kid Fails To Run Away From Home Because No One Will Take Them In,” reads the headline. You gain your fifteen minutes of fame, but you’re now known as “lonely local kid.”