Advice Column

Dear Love Triangle Leprechaun, 

First, you should take a big step back from the situation and think, is this person really attractive? Or am I just really, really bored? If after, this step out, you determine that yes you still like this person, then you have four options:

1. Give up and be a disappointment to yourself. (Hey, you may regret it but at least your friend will be happy!)
2. Give up and bring your friend down along with you. (If you can’t get them neither can your friend; if the love triangle goes down then it sinks with both of you.)
3. Be a horrible friend but come out victorious (We won’t judge you)
4. Become polyamorous (Hey, if that’s your thing, go for it!)

It’s war. We will not stand to see our dear readers become victims of a love triangle, and we have a foolproof plan to get you out on top. To get out on top of this dreaded love triangle, you have to get down and dirty.

Dear Hopeless Romantic,  

The straight-up answer is no. The chances are, your friends are almost always right. If they are truly your friends, they will know you very well and want what is absolutely best for you. Your friends are able to see this person without the love-tinted goggles you have on and can see the faults in your partner´s character that you are simply unable to notice due to extreme feelings. Speaking from experience, every time one of our friends disapproved of our partners, they were right. Don’t let a potential, temporary partner ruin years of friendship between you and your friends like Dinkle did. Here are a few red flags that you should under no circumstances ignore if your friends bring them up.

1. Your friends dislike your partner because your partner calls them derogatory names. If you ignore this warning sign I think you need to get some professional help! 
2. You get a concerning amount of La La Land edits or any edits for that matter– this is a telltale sign of immaturity. Just trust your friends on this one. While an over-fixation of Mia and Sebastian may seem charming at first, you will eventually find yourself wondering how you got into this situation, looking for any way out. 
3. They send you snaps at concerning times from concerning places in concerning states. Don’t do it. 

Dear Trash-Talking Trina,

That’s a difficult situation to be in, at this point you either have two options. First, go all in, you said what you said and now you have to own it. Confidence is key and you gotta have more than just a few. Or, and this is a longshot, pretend that you were relaying what someone said to you, to them, and frame a random innocent bystander. Neither of these options may be the morally correct one, but we will not stand to see our readers come out on the bottom of any situation. 

You got this,

Finkle and Dinkle

Dear Noticing Nostril,

We as well are completely baffled by this situation, as well as why it has been like this for several months, however we have some theories. 

1. There is a body in the drywall
2. There is a body in the drywall
3. There is a body in the drywall

…Seriously. We are pretty sure that there is a body in the drywall. This is no joking matter. We as Hastings students need to address this with the administration and begin a petition to find a different place to dispose of the body that does not include our gym bleachers. Our nostrils can not take it anymore. 

Hope this helps!

Finkle and Dinkle