Advice Column

Dear Lifeless Ligament, 

In situations like these, desperate times call for desperate measures. There is really no other advice that we can give you other than to just let loose a little bit! Step out of your comfort zone! 

– Join an incredibly time-consuming club 

– We are unsure if we can legally say this but…attend Padj!! **Edit** This was written before the recent developments about Padj. Now we advise (and even urge) you to create a new hot party spot in your backyard. That should keep things interesting for about two months. 

– Do things you will regret!

– Talk to strangers everywhere you go. Seriously, even the dullest places can yield a silly little story – take it from experience. 

Good luck getting crazy. From your question, we can tell you’re going to need it. 

– Finkle and Dinkle

Dear Hopeless Heidi, 

This new daylight has distorted our sense of time as well, but you must push through! It may feel like summer, but we are nowhere close. Lock back in Heidi, because this world will pick you up and then throw you back down again. Depending on your grade level, you may still have many many exams ahead of you. So whenever you find yourself thinking, “It’s so sunny and warm, I’m gonna go frolic,” think to yourself (regardless of your name), “LOCK IN HEIDI,” and lock back in. 

– Finkle-Dinkle out

Dear Crashout Clara-net,

We were not sure if this qualified as a question, but we have received your cry for help and it needs to be addressed. First things first: we get you! As second-semester students, the push through the rest of the school year can be hard, especially when you are overworked and underpaid as so many of us are. Senioritis is spreading faster than any flu through this school, and that includes the underclassmen as well. Try to talk to friends and family about how you are feeling. 

All we can say is: you are not alone! You got this, Clara-net!

– Finkle and Dinkle

Dear Friendless Fergus,

A class where you have no friends can be rough, but on the other hand it can also be one of the classes you get the best grades in. So, you have two options:

1. Talk to some new people! Lots of people, especially in classes that have mixed grades, are just strangers waiting to become your friends. It may seem intimidating at first to talk to someone new, but a simple conversation about the class can be all you need to make a new friend.
2. Be mysterious and stick to the grind. A class with no friends is a class without distractions, and a class without distractions is an opportunity to boost that GPA. So “Lock in Heidi” and get that A+.

– Finkle and Dinkle

Dear Noticing Nostril (pt.2), 

Yes. We take full responsibility for this. 

You are so very welcome,

– Finkle and Dinkle