Advice Column

Dear Lonely Loser, 

Never fear, Finkle and Dinkle are here. Prom season is near, and the only – somewhat problematic – advice we can offer you is to take underclassmen. You will find no better prom date than a desperate underclassmen in need of some senior mentorship. Really, you offer nothing to your senior peers, whereas you and your underclassmen can live in symbiosis where they can help your lonely soul, and in return, you can provide them a silly little night out. While this advice might be slightly incriminating, let’s face it—you really have no other options…Well, I guess you could also head into the city and ask everybody you see until one person says yes. 

– Finkle and Dinkle 

Dear Smell Survivor,

Telling someone they stink is never a fun task, but I assure you they will be thankful. However, if you want to take a more discrete route of action, here are some options.  

• Buy stick deodorant in bulk, and hide them in your friends’ backpacks. If questioned, say that “The Easter Bunny must have come late this year!”

• Have Febreeze on hand, which you use whenever your stinky little problem swings by!

• Chat, this one might be a little freaky… but take a shower with all your stinky little friends. Now, you may be saying “woah” or “oh my,” but trust us it will work. 

• Pretend you are filming a 24 hour challenge video at a car wash, but instead, lock your friends inside, turn on the machinery, and wait for them to come out squeaky clean!  

– Finkle and Dinkle 

Dear Roblox Boy,

Feel no shame in your Roblox game. Stand up for what you believe in, and raise your voice! Rise throughout the burning ashes of the haters you have cut down with heroic words and stand among those who have won. Take this lesson, those who stand behind me, I’ll protect you, those who stand beside me I respect you, those who stand against me, prepare to burn. And welp, yeah! Take a lesson champ.

– Finkle and Dinkle 

Dear Minecraft Maniac aka Ben

While the Minecraft movie has received lots and lots of praise, I would like to say that this movie was NOT LORE ACCURATE. The movie producers could have used any of the games extensive lore, but guess what…they didn’t! Instead they made up things like a Queen Piglin of the Nether, and endermen on the third floor of the woodland mansion. Finkle and Dinkle give this move a 6/10, with points taken off for inaccuracies, and points given back for the phrase “Chicken Jockey.” 

– Finkle Dinkle Out