Dear Sir Goober von Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften, 

I’m a middle-aged man who has always dreamed of being taller, and two years ago I went to the doctor’s office and the nurse there gave me an extra two inches accidentally and it has since been the highlight of my year. I’m nervous to go back to that same office and hear the disappointing news of losing the inches I gained through the nurse’s mistake. Any advice? I’m seriously considering holding onto my pride and never going to the doctor’s office again, at least not for a decade.

From,

Anonymous

Dear anonymous friend,

I am very glad that you had the courage to submit this concern which evidently has tied you up in shame. First, I’d like to clarify that it is crucial you attend your next appointment at the same office. I am also quite concerned that your pride has grown from a mistaken extra two inches even though you have not grown. Your acknowledgment of the error is good, but your acceptance of it as the truth is perplexing.

 I hope you know, your life has not changed since two inches were added to your height. I doubt anyone has remarked on how much taller you look. You can’t even see a difference yourself! So why do the nurse’s extra inches impact you so intensely if you know it is a mistake?  As a tall man, it is far more difficult being 6’ 3” than you would imagine. Now that I’m thinking about it, my struggles as a tall man may have been less if I had a beer belly and an undefined chest. Since I keep such a youthful, athletic physique, I am constantly pestered by women under 5’ 5” who seem to love my figure! I’m not sure why women suddenly crave such tall men, but I do know that each night when I return from the bar, I lie awake in bed with an aching neck. 

I am not married, but I do carry a silver ring in my pocket which I can slip onto my ring finger if the women are approaching me too incessantly. I’m sure you want attention too, but I want you to know that those extra two inches could come with problems: I doubt you want your friends to stop inviting you to the bar after work because you cannot sustain a conversation without being interrupted by women.

So think. Do you really wish your friends would abandon you just because they’re jealous of your height? No. Let me show you all of the benefits that you cannot see of your current stature, just like you cannot see the products on the top shelf in the grocery store. 

1. You are far less likely to get a concussion from bumping your head on the ceiling.
2. You don’t have to reach for the top shelf because someone will help you. Trust me. After arm day, I wish someone would help me out.
3. You can still do the monkey bars at the playground with your child.
4. Children love you because you look like one of their own.

Your next step in acceptance is making a list of five short people (adults) who inspire you. Look at their amazing feats and ask yourself: could a tall person do this too? Most likely, yes. Height does not affect your potential.

Finally, go to your local thrift store and buy clothes that would only fit someone much taller. Try them on. Look how silly they look! The way those clothes fit didn’t change when the nurse gave you an extra two inches, and they won’t change when the nurse corrects her mistake either. Who knows, if you have the same nurse, she may give you another extra two inches!